Me, Myself, and I…

I promise this is the last post that’s going to be all about me. Don’t worry, I’m not the type to brag about my accomplishments and everything good that happens in my life. Trust me, sometimes it’s a train wreck. But let me get a little personal…

I’m a 26 year old black woman with a creative, yet raunchy mind. I have ideas for days. Some are quite ridiculous and others are just amazing. I have a dream, I just don’t know what it is yet. Hopefully we can figure it out together. As I said in my initial post, I manage an entire hotel. It’s probably the most stressful yet fun and entertaining job I’ve ever had. When I was younger I saw myself being a second grade teacher, with at least two kids of my own and a husband by this age. Instead, I’m a single mom of one and I’m with some guy that sleeps over every now and then (haha). Honestly I could never see myself living that life right now. It sounds so boring and uneventful. Though I wish things could be different for my son, I can’t complain.

I’ll get more into detail about my little creation for the first Mommy Monday. After that it’s a wrap for talking about him for a while.

Back to me. Getting cursed out every day will surely shape and change you. You’ll look at people differently and find it harder to see the good in people. It makes it harder to trust others which makes it harder on all of my relationships. No matter what, I always try to find the good in someone. This trait is a blessing and a curse because when people figure that out, they take advantage. I’ve grown to have thick skin and fight back for what I think is right. I used to be on the quiet side when it came to speaking my mind, but once I had enough the filter was gone. This was when I hit adulthood because I swore my mom would come around and slap me silly with some of the things that came from my mouth.

Being a single parent also helped me find my voice. I was in a 3 year relationship before I got pregnant. I was 19 years old and thought he was “the one”. That sounds hilarious to me now, but that’s what happens when you’re young and dumb. That shit storm of a relationship began when I was a junior in high school. I will never forget the text that I got to my red Razor phone that read “Hey. I heard your date can’t go to prom, so we should just go together.” I asked who was this random number texting me and he said “Roger”. So I guess that will be his name for this story. After finding out who it really was and realizing that I only had a couple months until prom, I decided to go with Roger as FRIENDS. That whole experience wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. He matched his tux to my dress perfectly, bought a corsage, paid for his portion of the limo bus on time, and he showed up on time to take pictures. I was shocked because he had a reputation of being a hood booger and a whore. But that night, he was a gentleman. It was a side that I had never seen before. A side that I liked.

The prom was fun and we danced all night. The ride home is when it got interesting during a game of truth or dare, but mostly dare. Toes were sucked, lap dances given, and we shared our first kiss. We kept talking for a while through text because in this modern world that’s where it all goes down. My best friend’s boyfriend at the time told me that him and Roger were talking and he wanted to make it official with me. I laughed because I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t tell me all of this himself. We discussed why I had reservations about dating someone who was known for cheating. It felt like I was setting myself up for failure. He assured me that Roger felt differently about me. He wanted to “drop all the hoes” for me.

Well needless to say, he didn’t. Three months in, we found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant. He denied that it was his when I told him multiple times that he was the father. I wasn’t even there and I knew that he was the father. That should’ve been my cue to runaway and never look back, but that never happened. My best friend and I spent countless months waiting for the due date to figure out if he cheated on me and got her pregnant. Then came the time when I visited a friends’ house and she told me that I should go talk to this girl named Martha*. I knew Martha, but not that well enough to go talk to her. I gave permission for her give Martha my number and we will talk at a later date. Well that conversation went well. She told me how my boyfriend of about 5 months was also seeing and sleeping with her too! She was away at school and whenever she would come home to visit, he spends the night with her until she goes back. So that information sent me into a downward spiral of anger.

Crazy thing was that I wasn’t sad, I was pissed off. This shit doesn’t happen to me. I did everything for him, helped him with his community college homework, supported his “rap career”. Everything that a girlfriend should do, I did. Most of all, I was FAITHFUL. So how did I approach him you may ask? Well pop the popcorn..

I had her forward me (since screenshooting didn’t exist yet) all of their recent text message. As for him, I was being all sweet and sexy towards him that whole day. Most of the time we would sit outside my house in his car and talk for hours. So that day, I asked him to come over so we could chill. When he arrived,  still hadn’t received the messages yet but I did tell that he was on his way and she had to speed up the process. Roger and I were outside, laughing, talking, kissing. The normal high school love BS. Then my phone began to go off. It was Martha with their whole conversation about how much he missed her, but he can’t continue to see her anymore because he really loves me and wants to take me seriously. He didn’t want to hurt me blah blah blah. It was so ironic that he felt that way after I already knew what he had been doing behind my back. So I started laughing out loud and, just as expected, he wanted to know what I was laughing at. I began to read the messages aloud. His face quickly went from anticipation to fear. He realized what conversation I was reading and fell silent. His head rested in his hands as I continued to read until there was nothing left. It was complete silence for what felt like an hour, but was only 10 minutes. I just got out of the car and went to my room without another word. I watched him pull away from my bedroom window. He cried, apologized, tried to get other people to get me to come to my senses.

It wasn’t long before I took him back. Unfortunately rewarded behavior is repeated, so needless to say I found out that he cheated a few more times after that. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks I guess. This time, when I found out I had already had my son. Due to medical issues, Roger was my last concern. I didn’t even care because my first priority was our son’s survival. The straw that broke the camels back was when we were shopping for apartments. I was thinking that he’d finally got it together. He was working, making sure that the kid had health insurance, went to doctor’s appointments, and came over on a daily basis to help. We kept getting denied for apartments due to money owed on his end. He had the money to pay it and it was going toward his other child. A child that I adored and treated as my own. When he refused to pay it, it showed me that everything that he was doing was an act. If we actually got an apartment together, everything that he was doing would soon come to an end and the childish antics would pick up where they left off. The hardest thing was to get used to the fact that I was about to be a single parent. I knew that if we weren’t together, there would be slim to no co-parenting. I was fine with that. We were on different levels in our lives. I wanted to finish school, work, and move out. He wanted to rap.

Leaving him opened so many doors for me. Honestly, if we would have stayed together my life would not have taken off the way it did. Somehow he held me back. We didn’t talk about my dreams or what the future holds. Only thing we depended on was him becoming the next Young Thug or Lil Uzi.

Since I made the decision to leave, I went through a great deal of sadness, drama, depression, and heartbreak. I was accused of being a bad mom, breaking up a “happy” family, there were rumors that I wouldn’t answer the phone when he called for our son, and that I wouldn’t allow him to see him. Those were all untrue, but anything to make me look bad right? If I didn’t go through all of that, I wouldn’t have the things I have today. There is so much that I have done that I know I wouldn’t have been able to do before. Between finishing school and being promoted at work, I did it! For me! Something about being a single parent strengthens you in the weirdest ways. In a way, I’m grateful.

So far, life has taught me to find my worth and never sell yourself at a discount.

Speak up and stand for what you believe in.

Never marry your opinions. Be open to hear others and their point of view because nothing is just black and white.

Don’t just reach for the stars, there is so much more beyond them.

-B.

 

One Comment Add yours

  1. AP says:

    Speechless because I already know this story inside and out yet I was still intrigued. You’re a natural best I need more 😍

    Like

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